Our children will grieve the loss of their birth parents and we will grieve with them. We go through things with our children that you may never understand. We hold our children as they cry over someone that they are forever connected too...and yet may have never met or may not remember. It's okay that you don't understand, you don't have to. But please understand that it can be difficult...watching your child hurt, hurts you as well.
2. Love is awesome...but it's not always enough in adoption.
Children who have been adopted need a lot. They need validation and acceptance. They need to find themselves and understand who they are and where they come from. Each child copes with their adoption differently. And while love isn't enough...it certainly doesn't hurt to reinforce how much I love my children. So, I tell them all. the. time. I especially tell them during the hard times...we all feel unlovable at times, and I want my children to know that they are loved...at all times...forever and ever.
3. I am not color blind.
*do I hear a gasp from the audience?* Yes, I see my children's beautiful brown skin. Just like I see what color shirts they are wearing and what color toy they are holding. Their skin is part of them and ignoring it or pretending I don't see it...well, that's crazy. We talk about race in our family. Both of our children are very aware that our family looks different than many others. I think *not* talking about something makes it appear shameful. We don't discuss race every waking second, but when the opportunity arises, we discuss it. If parents don't openly talk about something, it makes it more difficult for a child to bring up the subject. So, we talk about race. We talk about differences. We also talk about similarities. As much as we all look different from one another, we are also very much alike.
4. I often forget my children are adopted.
I know that is hard for many to believe. But there are times that I actually forget that my children were not born to me. Those moments at the doctors office when completing family medical histories...more than once I have completed it and then ask for another form. Why? Because the history I just reported is NOT my kids medical history. They were not born to me and we do not share the same history. But it's happened more than once...and I'm sure it will happen again. And a couple of times when I look blankly at someone after asking 'How old was she when you adopted'...and my reply is 'how did you know she was adopted?'. Yes, sometimes I do this to be funny, but there have been a few times that I seriously wondered how they knew!!
I simply can not imagine loving my children any more even if they were born to me. I would give my life for them. I would do anything for them. They are my heart!
5. I will always be my child's advocate...always.
No matter how young or old, I will always be their advocate. I will always be by their side. Just as you will do whatever it takes to protect your child. So will I. My children both came to us with little to no medical history. So, if the time comes, I will do whatever I have to do to for them medically. If they are in a situation at school that others don't understand, I will be there to protect them and be there if needed. Even if it's as simple as a family tree project that you may not think is a big deal...but my children do.
6. I have friends that I feel are super close and yet I've never actually met them.
Yep. Don't think I'm crazy when I'm talking about my friend...and can't remember her last name or exactly what state she lives in. I know it sounds strange, but I have friends that I've known for nearly a decade through adoption. Friends that have traveled the same journey as we have. Friends whose children are the same age as mine and are currently experiencing the same things as we are. Friends who I know will understand when my everyday, in real life, friends may not. That doesn't mean that my real life friends aren't important (you are!!)...but I know that if you haven't 'been there, done that', you may not relate as well as my adoption buddies.
7. I may become invisible when you are talking about your pregnancy.
It's not because I'm jealous, or not interested. It's simply because I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I don't want you to feel awkward around me when you realize that I'm just listening and not contributing. I understand your passion about your pregnancy and your baby. But I just don't have anything to say as I haven't been through it. Just think about how you would feel if you were in the midst of a bunch of adoptive mommies talking homestudies, dossiers, ICPC, USCIS, I171, fingerprints, clearances, revocation periods, relationships, agreements, visas etc. Could you relate if you haven't been through an adoption? It's the same if you haven't been through a pregnancy. And while I have never had the desire to be pregnant, many of my adoptive mommy friends have. And the inability to carry a child is a loss...and they simply don't want to be reminded of that loss.
8. Our children's story is just that...THEIR story.
While we are a wide open book about adoption...we are not a wide open book about our children's story...ie, the reason they joined our family. We love their birth mothers and are forever thankful that they each chose life and ultimately adoption. But the reasons behind those decisions are not mine to tell. While many do know much of their stories, I will not tell a stranger, so don't ask.
9. Please think before you speak.
People almost always approach us in stores, at the grocery, at the park, etc. They ask about adoption, raising a multiracial family, etc. If you are truly interested in learning more about adoption, I will be happy to talk to you. If you are being nosey, sorry, I will kindly blow you off.
But, no matter which category you fall into, please watch what you say and how you say it and please notice that my children are around. Remember that they have ears and can hear you. I do understand that you may not know proper adoption etiquette, and I'm not easily offended, but my children are not always as understanding as I am. When they hear things like 'who's their real mom' or 'do you have any of your own kids'...it makes their sweet little hearts wonder if they are not my children and if I'm suddenly a pretend mommy. And for the record, I am not invisible or pretend, so I must be be real.
10. I will get angry if you talk poorly about my children's birth mothers.
I have never met either, but I love them. The reasons my children were placed for adoption are both as different as they are....but they chose LIFE over the alternative. And they chose adoption for a life they could not provide. I love them. I am not intimidated by either. They both have an important role in my childrens lives. And while they are not actively involved in their lives at this moment...that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I fully expect to be searching for both one day. Adoption is the marriage of two families. They are our family. These woman gave life to my children.
They gave them life. They gave them LIFE. They. Gave. Them. Life.
How could I not love them?
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